Securely attached children empathized with others’ pain; insecurely attached children were overwhelmed by their own distress at the same scene.
Introduction: Where Do “Kind Children” Come From?
Some children walk over and pat a crying friend on the back. Others see the same scene and become more anxious themselves, shrinking away. Still others pass by without any reaction at all.
Parents often explain these differences as “personality” or “innate temperament.” Temperament does matter. But developmental psychology research increasingly shows that the roots of empathy are deeply embedded in the quality of the relationship between a child and their caregiver — that is, in attachment.
Professor Anat Shoshani of Reichman University in Israel conducted two experiments with 465 children aged 3 to 6, demonstrating that empathy isn’t simply “having a kind heart” but a capacity that grows on developmental foundations.
The Core Research Question
“Which children show empathic concern and helping behavior in response to others’ distress? And what developmental roots create those differences?”
The research team focused on two factors:
- Attachment representations — The internal working model a child forms from their relationship with caregivers. A child’s own “theory” about whether the world is safe and whether people can be trusted.
- Theory of Mind (ToM) — The cognitive ability to understand that other people have thoughts, feelings, and intentions different from one’s own.
They experimentally tested how these two factors shape children’s empathic responses, and whether either one alone is sufficient.
Two Experiments: Real Distress and Story-Based Distress
Experiment 1: Witnessing Real Distress in the Lab (N = 263)
Children aged 3–6 were brought to the lab and exposed to an adult or peer actually experiencing distress. In one condition, the person displayed high distress; in another, only mild discomfort.
Researchers observed two types of responses:
- Empathic concern — Worry directed toward the other person, interest in their well-being, desire to help
- Personal distress — The child’s own anxiety and distress triggered by witnessing another’s suffering
This distinction is the crux of the study. Both involve “feeling something,” but they point in opposite directions. One reaches toward the other person; the other collapses inward.
Experiment 2: Responding to Distress in Stories (N = 202)
The second experiment used fictional vignettes instead of live situations. Children heard stories and researchers observed how they responded to the characters’ distress. The structure matched Experiment 1 (distress level x target type), with only the method changed to test consistency of results.
Both experiments used self-report and behavioral coding together, capturing the gap between what children said and what they actually did.
Study Design and Participants
- Total participants: 465 (Experiment 1: 263, Experiment 2: 202)
- Age: 3–6 years
- Setting: Kindergartens and preschools in Israel
- What was measured:
- Attachment representations (secure, avoidant, resistant, disorganized)
- Theory of Mind level (ability to infer others’ perspectives)
- Empathic concern (worry and helping behavior directed at others)
- Personal distress (own anxiety and withdrawal)
- Prosocial behavior (actual helping, sharing, etc.)
Results: Same Distress, Different Responses
Securely Attached Children: Moving Toward the Other
Children with secure attachment showed empathic concern in response to others’ distress. The greater the other’s suffering, the more they worried and the more they tried to help. These children recognized the other person’s emotions without being swallowed by them. They could feel “that friend is hurting” while maintaining their own emotional balance.
Resistant and Disorganized Attachment: Drowning in Their Own Distress
Children with resistant and disorganized attachment showed higher personal distress in the same situations. This is the study’s most striking finding.
These children didn’t “lack” empathy. If anything, they felt too much. The problem was that their feelings turned inward rather than outward. The other person’s pain amplified into anxiety and fear within themselves, leading to withdrawal or avoidance instead of helping behavior.
Higher Theory of Mind: More Accurate Empathy
Children with higher Theory of Mind recognized others’ distress more accurately and showed more appropriate empathic responses. A child who could understand “why that person is sad” was also better at figuring out “how I can help.”
Empathy Grew with Age
From age 3 to 6, children’s empathic concern and prosocial behavior increased developmentally. Empathy isn’t entirely innate — it also grows.
Empathy Requires Two Keys
The picture this study paints is clear. For a child to empathize with others’ suffering and act to help, two things must be in place together.
Key 1: Cognitive Ability — “Knowing What the Other Person Feels”
A child with sufficiently developed Theory of Mind can read facial expressions, situations, and context to recognize “that friend is sad” or “that child needs help.” This is the cognitive foundation of empathy.
Key 2: An Emotional Safe Base — “You Must Feel Safe Yourself Before You Can Help Others”
Secure attachment provides a child with a kind of emotional breakwater. When the powerful emotional wave of another’s suffering crashes in, the internal conviction that “I am safe” prevents the child from being swept away. They can feel the other person’s emotions without being overwhelmed by their own.
In contrast, a child whose internal model says “the world is unpredictable” and “help may not come when I ask for it” — formed through insecure relationships — experiences another’s distress as a trigger for their own anxiety. Even if they want to help, they have no emotional capacity left after managing their own feelings.
The cognitive key (Theory of Mind) alone stops at “knowing.” The emotional key (secure attachment) alone struggles to translate into action. When both operate together, children could recognize another’s suffering, avoid being overwhelmed by it, and actually engage in helping behavior.
Practical Takeaways
Build a Safe Base Before “Teaching” Empathy
Saying “think about how they feel” or “you should be kind” alone won’t grow empathy. What this study shows is that the precondition for empathy is the child’s own sense of emotional safety. When a child feels “I am loved” and “someone will help me when I’m struggling,” they gain the emotional room to respond openly to others’ pain.
They May Not Be “Unkind” — They May Be Anxious
It’s easy to judge a child who retreats when a peer cries, or who seems indifferent, as “lacking empathy.” But according to this research, that child may not lack empathy — they may be overwhelmed by their own distress. They feel too much, which is precisely why they withdraw. What these children need isn’t discipline about being kind, but first a relationship that can safely hold their emotions.
Theory of Mind Grows Through Everyday Conversation
“Why do you think this friend is crying?” “What might this person be thinking right now?” — Asking these questions while reading picture books or encountering everyday situations builds a child’s Theory of Mind. As practice in inferring others’ perspectives accumulates, children become better at reading others’ emotions accurately and responding appropriately.
Limitations
- The study was conducted in Israel, and whether the same results would emerge in different cultural contexts is unconfirmed. The expression of empathy may vary across cultures.
- Attachment was measured at the representation level rather than through direct observation, so the correspondence with actual parent-child interaction patterns may be imperfect.
- As a cross-sectional study, causal direction cannot be established — whether secure attachment “produces” empathy, or whether children with naturally higher empathic ability find it easier to form secure attachments.
- The lab setting in Experiment 1 may differ from real-life situations, and whether fictional stories in Experiment 2 elicit the same responses as witnessing actual distress is an open question.
Final Thoughts
What this study reveals through 465 young children is a simple but profound truth:
For a child to be able to help others, they must first feel safe themselves.
Empathy cannot be planted through commands or discipline. It grows in the soil of secure relationships, alongside the cognitive ability to read others’ minds. If you want to nurture a child’s capacity for empathy, the first step may be consistently sending them one message: “You are safe.”
Source: Shoshani, A. (2024). The roots of compassion in early childhood: Relationships between theory of mind and attachment representations with empathic concern and prosocial behavior. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 242, 105880. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2024.105880